Monday, 17 December 2012

Christmas Greetings and a very Happy New Year

Time goes so quickly. I can't believe that Christmas is just around the corner and 2012 will be soon coming to an end. This year has been a roller-coaster ride for me and because of this, the world of magic, I believe, is better for that. I don't want this to come across as a review of my year, which might make me sound as if I'm boasting about my unmatched talent and incredible achievements, but nevertheless, here goes.

I'll start with Christmas, which was really last year, since Christmas 2012 has not quite arrived yet (for those still not sure,  I'm talking about Christmas 2011, although I'm not sure if it counts as part of a review of the year). Not only did I get a chance to perform at my very first Christmas gig, something that has never happened in the 40 years that I've been performing, but, little did I know, that I had just signed my ticket to the big time. This was because that in February I got my first repeat booking at the same venue - more on that later.

Anyway, in January I was booked to perform at a Rotary Club Variety Night. This was a very special and prestigious 'for one night only' event, and I topped the bill. I won't go in to the details here as that would be in bad taste and not really relevant to this short review, suffice to say that I was on top form that night, although I do apologise to the man who was wearing a toupee - I really didn't know and it was a genuine mistake. Oh, and to the lady with the wristwatch. It was a cheap Sekonda, so it wasn't too bad after all and, if you think about it, I probably did you a favour in the long run.

The repeat booking (spoken of earlier) meant that I had, at long last, turned professional and joined the ranks of the top flight entertainers. I can't tell you how elated I was when the phone call came inviting me for a return visit. My first repeat booking! This meant everything to my already blossoming career. The performance was to take place on Valentine's night no less. What a great night it was too; couples in love, fell in love with David Lemezmer (I mean my magic).

An Easter performance followed. Tricks with eggs always go down well... although the cost of dry cleaning, after the egg broke and went down my suit, was horrendous. Fortunately, this incident didn't dampen the spirits of those wanting to see more Lemezmer magic, although one or two critics were, shall we say, bad eggs.

During May, I was booked to perform at Mowsley Village Fête and Craft Fair. It was a disappointing turn out, but this can easily be blamed on bad management - even the car park had not been cleared of dangerous cobbles, causing me to stumble and pull a muscle in my leg. I doubt I'll be performing for them next year until some of my concerns are cleared up (along with the dangerous stones). However, they have yet to respond to my two page letter, detailing the changes that I would expect next time.

Next up though was a real opportunity for me to shine - the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebration.  I admit that I was caught a little off guard as I was invited to stay over and perform a trick the following day for them, something that I hadn't planned for. However, I cunningly cut the finale from my act and performed it the next day for them. I don't think they noticed. Also, I really should take this opportunity to apologise to those in attendance, especially to parents with children, about the unfortunate incident with my underpants. Once again, it was a genuine mistake.

Despite the underpants hiccup, it was a truly great performance and in September I was invited to perform at a special variety show. This went really well, although I admit to being slightly embarrassed when I accidentally knocked over my finale, The Vase of Plenty, but I suppose it was a colourful display! I also remember that the compère for the evening, despite giving me a excellent (and worthy, I might add) introduction, was rather rude at the end. I still haven't been paid for this event.

Anyway, that brings me on to the present and the name of David Lemezmer continues to grow stronger every day. I have been booked for a wedding! My very first booking of this type. I know many professional magicians take on wedding bookings because they are very lucrative, but I have never been approached until just a couple of weeks ago. So, next Saturday, at 2pm prompt, just like last Valentine's night, I will be performing my magic for a couple in love (and their guests, who may or may not be in love, I don't know). I'm really looking forward to this particular chapter in my career. Perhaps this is the start of something big. I will be grabbing this amazing opportunity with two big hands - not that my hands are particularly big, but you get the metaphor. I am also quite sure that, as the wedding is on December 22nd, I can chalk this one up to not only being a wedding performance, but also as my second successive year being booked up for Christmas. I'll think that it would be prudent to add this wedding gig as two separate events to my burgeoning résumé.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for being a very small part of my year and may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a very happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year, and I'm sure that you wish the same to me too.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Back with a BANG!

Last night was my first booking since Her Majesty's Diamond Jubilee celebrations back in June, and it went with a bang! Quite literally in fact, as I went and accidentally knocked over my showpiece trick, 'Vase of Plenty'! The bang was the sound it made as it hit the table and I must confess that the colourful cascade of beads, balls and handkerchiefs was a little embarrassing. I had been practising this effect for well over a month (on and off), which, as some know, is quite unlike me, but I really wanted this to be a real highlight of my show and have people of all ages talking the world over about the magic of David Lemezmer. Sadly, I have seen one or two postings on Twitter this morning mentioning this unfortunate incident and thirty-seven retwits of these postings already. Taking consolation from this, I suppose it means that the world is talking about the magic of David Lemezmer, and that can only be a good thing. Anyway, that unfortunate incident aside, I believe that the show went rather well, although I doubt the gentleman with the newspaper will thank me - another story, another time.

I quite liked the compere, at the beginning anyway, as he gave me a fantastic introduction, quite fitting for a magician of my calibre (although, let me point out that I have never been involved with the X-Factor). Unfortunately, I am sure he got a cheap, below the belt, laugh at my expense at the end, just as I was leaving - completely unprofessional. I was going to stick around and watch the other acts on the card, but after his cruel jibe, I decided to just leave the venue after that - hopefully they'll send me my cheque in the post.

One of the surprise decisions of the organisers was the fact that I wasn't top-of-the-bill. Being the headline act was something I had assumed would naturally be the case, judging by the wording of an e-mail communication of the booking confirmation that I had received. I can only think that an error with their computer software was to blame. The first I knew of it was a programme being thrust into my hand as I arrived, which I glanced at as I was being hastily led to a sparse, but unusually warm, dressing room. I tried to bring the error to the attention of the organising committee, but alas, there was no time to change the arrangement.

Anyway, once again, a very successful performance that, despite a couple of glitches, can only reinforce the David Lemezmer name as being synonymous with top-class entertainment.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Bronzed off that I didn't take a golden opportunity - and this cloud didn't come with a silver lining either

I was approached a few weeks before the Olympics by a person claiming to personally know contacts that would help me secure a lucrative position at the Opening Ceremony at the London 2012 Games. I didn't follow this up as, not only was I quite busy (I'd hired a Rug-Doctor to clean my carpets that same week), but the offer sounded too good to be true. It was also at the back of my mind that this might be a repeat of the April Fools Day pranks that I had been subjected to earlier in the year, only on a much grander scale (and not in April, obviously).

I am now in a position to say that there was indeed an Olympic job offer on the table, just waiting to be picked up by a talented magician, such as myself, and it looks as if I've missed out once again. It also turns out that the job was something a little more long term, spanning the whole two weeks of the Olympic Games, and not just one paltry night!

I actually found out completely by accident though. Let me explain, I took a trip to London during the Olympics, just to soak up the atmosphere. I couldn't afford to procure tickets to any of the events - although Synchronised Swimming was on offer at a good price, but I'm not watching that! However, I did get to view some events on large television screens that had been set up in Hyde Park - there was quite a crowd. One of the things that I was keen on doing was seeing the stadium for myself and so I took a trip to view it. I thought that the most convenient way to reach the stadium was to take a train journey. I boarded a train on what they now call the Overground (?). Well, I've heard of the Underground, but the Overground just seems like old rehashed British Rail lines with a fancy name attached (and a similar looking logo - a cheap imitation, you could say). I digress. On this train I saw a magician performing for travelling passengers. I was able to have a brief chat to him. His name was Danny Hall and he told me that he got the joint London 2012 and Transport for London job to entertain passengers using the public transport system during the games. It was thought that it was a good way to alleviate the stress usually associated with travelling. He also told me privately that the pay was very, very good - a great deal more than his usual earnings (Danny told me the actual figures, which I won't disclose in public, suffice to say that I was floored; the guy's earning an amazing sum - more that I have earned for the last seven of my gigs put together - and that's per day!). Anyway, he said he was introduced to the job by a guy named Rob Martin, who had some contacts with the Olympic committee. Apparently, Rob had a person lined up for the job, but had been let down; it was at this point the penny dropped...

Mediocre 'magician', Danny Hall, 'entertains' (?) passengers on a train, during the London 2012 Olympic Games

I watched his act with interest, which I have to say was not too bad, but I couldn't help thinking that had it been me performing, the passengers would probably have not got off at Stratford station to go to the Games (like they did with Danny), instead preferring to stay and see more of the Lemezmer magic!

Monday, 25 June 2012

A Happy, Quality Birthday to me.

Just a short blog post this morning as today is my birthday and I am due out for a meal at lunchtime. I'm not one for boasting, but I am now in my 60th year! Happy birthday to me! Sixty years old, with forty of those years spent performing QUALITY professional magic! Who would have believed that? I looked up the word 'quality' in my thesaurus and it gave several synonyms for it, all of which could apply to my magic - here are just some: advantage; betterment; enhancement; enrichment; excellence; extravagance; genius; luxury; merit; peculiarity; virtue. That's enough for now, there were plenty more that I could run off, but you get the general idea. I particularly like the 'genius' one, which I think sums my magical abilities up rather well.

My kitchen is almost finished, just in time for my special celebration (I know what the Queen felt like recently when celebrating her Diamond Jubilee). Just need Paul to finish a bit of tiling, and to obtain and fit another drawer handle to one of the cupboards.

My wife kindly bought me a book from a charity shop that she thought would suit me. The book is called 'Card Tricks without Skill' by a chap called Paul Clive. Not quite sure what he was thinking with the title though, as I have already tried out thirteen of the tricks and found eleven of those just far too difficult to perform.

That's all for now. I've got to go and prepare for my family meal.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Clean carpets, a new kitchen and golden opportunities

It's been a little while since my last blog post. That's because I have been very busy of late, so I thought it would be nice to bring you up to speed with what's been going on in my hectic life.

The last Saturday in May, just before the Diamond Jubilee celebrations were about to take place, I was booked to perform at the Mowsley Village Fête and Craft Fair. Disappointingly, I only had seven people turn up for the show (and two of those were setting chairs out). I can't blame it on the weather, as it was glorious, so I can only assume that because of poor management, the word did not get out, although I was assured that adverts were placed in several local newspapers and fliers were sent out to neighbouring towns and villages. I must confess that it did seem to be very well supported, so I'm not quite sure why I had such a small crowd. Perhaps the location at the event was poor, or perhaps my show clashed with the gymkhana?

I was appalled that the car park wasn't cleared of large rocks, as I stumbled and strained my leg while walking to the car, causing me to drop a box of props on the ground, but fortunately none were broken. I have written to the management stressing my concerns and, to get this problem sorted out a little more quickly than a usual common complaint, I mentioned that I would not perform at any future events of theirs until I am satisfied that the car park has been cleared of dangerous debris. I have yet to hear back from them.

I also performed the following Saturday evening at a very special Diamond Jubilee celebration event, which was held at Fenlands Church. Apparently I was specially requested (I've yet to find out who made the request but, whoever you are, thank you). The 3 trick show (originally planned to be a 4 trick show) went well and without a hitch... well, almost without a hitch, but that's another story! Suffice to say, that my opening card trick was spoilt a little by my card prediction going a little awry, followed by an embarrassing mishap with a 40 foot length of rope (and my underwear), and my final showpiece flag trick (which was meant to be the central highlight and focus of the evening) had incorrect colours showing on the flag on the first attempt - and the second attempt for that matter!

As well as this special celebration, I was asked to stay over and perform once more at Fenlands Church at their family service, which of course I was happy to do - I had nothing else in my diary. I actually must confess that this extra booking caught me a little off guard and therefore unprepared, but I cunningly cut one of the tricks from the Saturday evening performance and used that on Sunday morning instead. I don't think they noticed!

I have also been approached by a very influential man who has kindly offered to be my manager. This really is something that I am thinking about, as I believe that Paul Daniels has a manager and if it's good enough for Paul, it's good enough for me too. He has already offered me a 10 minute slot at the opening of the 2012 London Olympic Games, so this man has some clout, although I've never heard of him. The Olympic Games opening ceremony is is a golden opportunity for some much deserved exposure, so I am seriously considering this man's offer.

I have recently been having a new kitchen fitted in my kitchen by my son, Paul. It was a little treat I gave myself (and my wife) for my birthday, which is fast approaching (25 June). I also hired a Rug-Doctor to spruce up my living room carpet. It's amazing! I couldn't believe how much dirt and grime it got up - and we are already accustomed to using Vanish PowerPowder on our carpets! I can wholeheartedly recommend Rug-Doctor to anyone and everyone (except my brother - he has wooden floors throughout his house so that wouldn't work). If any employees from Rug-Doctor are reading this blog, I'm really impressed. I'd be happy to become the face of Rug-Doctor, for the usual contractual fees. Imagine attaching my face to a Rug-Doctor advertising campaign, perhaps with the slogan, "I use Rug-Doctor and, just like me, it works like magic and performs wonders!" Just an idea for your consideration.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Diamond Jubilee Preparations

Three weeks ago, while I was out walking in Charnwood Forest, I had an absolutely BRILLIANT idea for a trick that would go down well for the Diamond Jubilee. As soon as I arrived home, I quickly wrote and then mailed off a letter to Buckingham Palace to ask for their help. I've wrote to them before, so at least they already know that my name is synonymous with quality magic.

This morning, I had a return letter from them denying my request, which, I admit, is a little disheartening, but I do understand the reasons given. However, every cloud has a silver lining, as they let slip a rather intriguing fact that confirmed a secret that I had been told by a friend, many years ago - they didn't really mention anything specifically, but I know that their silence speaks volumes.

So, I have decided to run with the idea, even though Her Majesty has not approved of my request (well, I say Her Majesty, but the letter was signed by an unknown member of the Royal household; I'm not even completely sure that she even read the letter, otherwise it probably would've been a different story). This untold secret will form the basis for my brilliant idea and I will reveal all at some point over the Diamond Jubilee weekend. Hopefully this week, I'll be able to get into my workshop, or garden shed as my wife calls it, and make a very special prop. That's if the weather holds off - the roof leaks!

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Read all about it! Read all about it!

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me. I have been contacted by some magic publications - well, I contacted them really - and have been very busy writing an article about my successful life. This article will encourage bottom-of-the-ladder magicians to make it to the very top-rung, like me. So far, none of the publications have accepted my submission. It's early days, though, and I am optimistic that at least one of the 17 magic magazines and 32 magic clubs that I sent the article to will accept it, although there was a bit of interest from the Leicester Magic Circle. They returned a pleasant thank you letter, together with an application form and a 'with compliments' slip.

I have also been interviewed, I believe for an interweb site - can't remember who it was though so that's a downside. They asked a few awkward questions, but I am confident that my answers have quelled any potential issues; if they didn't then I'm sure they'll be edited out anyway, so no need for me to worry.

Hopefully, these will help promote the David Lemezmer name.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Video footage of a show unofficially leaked

It has come to my attention that a video recording that I commissioned (on a mobile phone) for private viewing by myself (for general performance notes), has been leaked and banded about the internet via YouTube without my consent. I am a little disappointed by this action because some of the material contained on the video could be stolen by other aspiring magicians to make a name for themselves, when clearly the material is mine. I have contacted YouTube in an attempt to have the video removed, but they have so far refused, mentioning that the person who recorded the footage was the person that actually owned the video and I did not have any rights of ownership.

That said, I think it is worth posting a link to the video, now that it has already been made public (without my consent, I add once again). As this was recorded on a mobile device, the picture and sound quality is not as good as it should have been. When I commissioned this video, I explicitly asked that the recording be of broadcast quality (in case of a television deal), but obviously promises that were made to me in good faith weren't kept.

I hope you enjoy my performance and, after viewing the quality of the magic you can expect from a David Lemezmer performance, you will consider making me your magician of choice for your next event.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Diamond Jubilee and more important celebrations

I have been asked to perform at a show for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations, which take place this year. This is quite an honour for me. Unfortunately, this does mean that now I have been booked in advance, and the booking properly confirmed (I'm not going down that route again), if Buckingham Palace want a private magic show for Her Majesty, then I'm afraid they're out of luck - perhaps some lesser magician might be able to squeeze them in, but they'd better be quick as professional magicians, such as myself, will be in high demand for this event. That said, I've sent a résumé of my magical achievements to Buckingham Palace for careful consideration for this and any future events.

Anyway, I'm really feeling good about this booking. It's an opportunity to enlarge and broaden the appeal of my magic. People will know that by attaching my name, David Lemezmer, to an event (preferably top-of-the-bill, please), whether that be a corporate event, charity event or public event (or even a private party for that matter), will guarantee a successful outcome and first class magical entertainment for all. Please consider booking me, please.

Actually, a little known fact, which I want you all to be made aware of, is that my birthday falls in the same month as the Queen celebrates her Diamond Jubilee. Even more bizarre is that it is my 60th birthday too - I was born in the same year that the Queen acceded to the throne, so it's a double celebration this June! By the way, it is the 25th for those interested in buying me a nice present.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Lemezmer's Got Talent!

Not many people are aware of this, but I had a short appearance on Britain's Got Talent in Birmingham (2010). Sadly, I was not selected to be televised - even on ITV2 - but I did last 103 seconds in front of the judges (from my actual entrance onto the stage to my exit - self timed), which I believe is an achievement. I realise that they are on a tight schedule, but if they gave me a little longer I might have had a chance to shine. Personally, I think the show is fixed. Simon Cowell can be quite brutal with his comments (I'm not really keen on him). 

Ironically, the act that stole my slot at the Rotary Club Variety Nights gig, One Man and His Dog, appeared on the same stage the day before. Apparently he lasted 5 minutes and 45 seconds - his entire act - and went on to be a semi-finalist of the series. He was televised both on prime-time ITV and ITV2 and even met Ant and Dec (which I didn't - actually, I didn't even get to meet Stephen Mulhern).

Friday, 13 April 2012

Unwelcome comments

Recently I have been subjected to people sending me hurtful comments not only to my e-mail address but also directly through Facebook. Usually, such criticisms do not bother me. However, two particularly upsetting comments that I had to endure were, "you're not a real magician", and, "I have cracker tricks that are bigger than yours."

I want to deal with these appalling claims individually.

Claim 1: "You're not a real magician"
An accusation that I strongly deny, because I am.

Claim 2: "I have cracker tricks that are bigger than yours"
I can quash this claim by simply stating that most of my props are much bigger than a standard sized Christmas cracker and therefore wouldn't even fit inside one, so this claim is baseless.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

New tricks...

I need to take a trip out today. I really need some new effects for my performance at Fenlands Church tomorrow morning. This will be my third performance for them and I'm running out of tricks - the price of fame, I guess. A little late you might think, however, I would have purchased the effects yesterday, but I forgot that Good Friday was actually a bank holiday and hadn't realised that the magic shop in Nuneaton would be closed. At least I telephoned first and did not waste a trip. I will go today, have a browse and see what they have. Hopefully they'll have some nice 'self-working' tricks in stock for me to take away!

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

A genuine booking and a genuine apology

It turns out that the booking for Jimmy Burlesbury’s birthday was a genuine one and I have let a seven year old down on his special day. I am glad that little Jimmy was looking forward to seeing my magic act and I commend him for boasting to all his friends about having a ‘brilliant magician’ (his words) performing at his party, but I am truly sorry for my unfortunate mistake. I do understand Mrs. Burlesbury’s anger, but surely there is no need to spread the word to all her friends and acquaintances about this, and taking this story to her local paper is simply unreasonable and excessive behaviour from a grown woman.  I can’t condone Mrs. Burlesbury’s unprofessional handling of this trivial issue.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

You can't fool me!

This morning I had a telephone call from someone, booking me for a children's birthday party on Tuesday; in fact, the phone call woke me up.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me – this idiom could have been penned especially for me, although I was fooled thrice with a birthday booking, not twice. But, it’s not going to happen again. Sometimes I think that people mistake me for some kind of idiot.
Although I agreed to do the ‘party’ for Jimmy Burlesbury’s special day and the caller, whoever it is (although I do know it’s a ‘she’), might think that I’ve taken the bait again, the joke’s backfired on her, because I realised that it’s April Fools Day. So I won’t be travelling to Atherstone, wasting petrol, like last time, thank you very much!

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Into the valley... and back out again!

Well, I've begun to explore some of the options that the interweb offers to a VERY SUCCESSFUL professional magician, like myself, to enhance my profile. My first 'toe in the water' was a Facebook account - you can follow me by typing my name into Facebook - it's the top result, naturally!

It has been a bit of an up and down sort of week for me. For us professional magicians, the warm weather usually means more bookings, as impromptu outdoor parties are organised and people want quick-fix entertainment. Even though my diary has been empty for a few weeks now, except for some fake bookings (you know who you are), I have been unable to garner such engagements.
However, despite that small setback, the legal action against me, by Universal Studios, seems to have been resolved reasonably amicably. We have come to a mutual agreement that performances in the near future will be accompanied by a statement of apology for my unfortunate oversight in using the Universal logo at my recent engagements.

Into the valley, and out again… and promptly back in again…

Sadly, I have had, this morning, at long last (may I remind them that I sent that letter early February), a response from Pearl and Dean in relation to my brilliant idea of having paid advertising at performances for the mutual benefit of us both. This has, unfortunately, been rejected by the company. Apparently Pearl and Dean want to continue in cinema advertising, which they say is quite lucrative for them. If they only knew the sort of revenue a David Lemezmer special would generate, then they might reconsider! They also say that they are not in a position to honour my invoice that I forwarded, mentioning that they had not sanctioned my decision to include such advertising in the first instance and had no such contract with me. To add the final nail in the coffin for me to ever work with them again - which I won’t, even if they begged me to - they asked that I not associate the Pearl and Dean name to any of my future personal activities – unbelievable! Some people will not acknowledge that they’re on to a good thing if it comes up and bites them!

Out of the valley once more…

Apparently, Martin Fissure has requested that I do a short magic act on Easter Sunday morning for the good folk at Fenlands Church. This will be the third engagement with them and it truly is an honour for them to have me perform at their special celebration service. I spoke with Jonathon, a member of the church, who mentioned that Martin was keen to book a magic act, but all local magicians that he had tried were fully booked. In desperation they have turned to me, which I think speaks volumes about my ability to adapt to situations – when others might let you down, I am dependable (except on Monday’s – it’s a difficult day for me). Jonathon said that Martin had missed the Valentine's evening show (his loss), but he’s in for a real treat – an Easter treat - with my special blend of egg-citing magic, 'choc' full of mystery into the bargain. I’m looking forward to seeing the folk once again. Please make a point of being there… please.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Just got back from a 50 mile round trip from Wigston to Atherstone for a supposed Dinner and Dance booking - there isn't even an Audley Road in Atherstone. Two words spring to mind, 'wild goose chase'.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Bogus bookings

Was booked to perform at a children's birthday party yesterday evening. When I got to the venue, the doors were closed and locked. This has now happened 3 times in as many weeks. I'm beginning to suspect that I might be the subject of a bogus booker.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

'Cease and Desist' letter

Just had a letter delivered from Park and Bowser solicitors in London, working on behalf of Universal Studios (US). It is a 'cease and desist' letter. Apparently there is a problem with my introduction. Something to do with trademark infringement. What's all that about? It seems to be written in legal jargon, which I don't really understand.