Wedding Day Woes

Over recent months I have found myself less busy than expected. This was probably due to the abysmal winter that we have experienced. I have also allowed my blog updating to slip somewhat.

Last year, just before Christmas, I was booked to perform at a wedding. It was my very first wedding booking and I was really excited about this performance. A wedding booking is definitely an opportunity not to be missed. A successful wedding performance can really open the floodgates to future bookings (the wedding circuit is quite lucrative). However, due to an unfortunate mix up I ended up having to cancel my booking. Allow me to explain.

A few days before Christmas, tragedy had struck me and, for that matter, my entire family; my Sky+ box failed to record a repeat of Family Fortunes (on Challenge) with classic host Les Dennis. Les has always made me laugh; he's a very underrated comedian. Missing Family Fortunes meant that on this occasion I was unable to laugh along with him. My wife said that I had been in a mood for quite some time after realising this unfortunate incident, although I don't think it put me in that much of a downer.  Les has always been one of my comedy heroes and along with Bobby Davro, I consider them to be the inspiration that paved the way for the development of my own cutting-edge 'comedy genius' style. Anyway, I'm getting off the point, so let's get back onto the point. I had been booked to perform at a wedding. However, I was convinced that the guy that booked me said that the wedding would take place at 2, but when he called to check arrangements (on the morning of the wedding) the time for my performance had changed to 5.30!

As an aside, this guy has serious organisational issues as he had already spoken to me and confirmed the booking several times on the lead up to the wedding; I am astounded that he could not remember the original booking details; after all, he booked me! My advice to him - get a diary. It will save you a lot of unnecessary follow-up calls.

That said, when I double checked the booking against my organiser, I realised that I had actually been looking at the wrong month! I had a family wedding to attend (as a guest) in November - an easy mistake to make. The problem with this new time was that I could not possibly perform at the wedding and still get home to see Strictly Come Dancing (the special Christmas celebrity edition). The drive from Wigston is long one and it would have been impossible to make it back in time. To compound the problem, with my Sky+ box not working, I could not record the show for later viewing. I knew that I had to make a tough decision there and then, and I believe I made the only decision that could be made under the exceptional circumstances. That decision, and I'm sure you'll all agree with me, was to let the couple down on their special day.  The bookings guy was quite irate and rather rude to me - if you're reading this, it came over as quite unprofessional conduct and totally inappropriate. However, I did send them a couple of signed photographs in consolation for my absence which I'm sure would have quelled the waters somewhat.

The funny thing with all of this is that I actually missed Strictly Come Dancing (the special Christmas celebrity edition) as I was instead engrossed in watching a repeat run of In The Grid (another game show that starred Les Dennis). I didn't worry though as I simply watched Strictly Come Dancing (the special celebrity Christmas edition) on BBC iPlayer. I love TV on demand services!

Not to worry though, a quick call to Sky television (and a £65 payment) and they sent an engineer around to fix my box. Happy days!

Christmas Greetings and a very Happy New Year

Time goes so quickly. I can't believe that Christmas is just around the corner and 2012 will be soon coming to an end. This year has been a roller-coaster ride for me and because of this, the world of magic, I believe, is better for that. I don't want this to come across as a review of my year, which might make me sound as if I'm boasting about my unmatched talent and incredible achievements, but nevertheless, here goes.

I'll start with Christmas, which was really last year, since Christmas 2012 has not quite arrived yet (for those still not sure,  I'm talking about Christmas 2011, although I'm not sure if it counts as part of a review of the year). Not only did I get a chance to perform at my very first Christmas gig, something that has never happened in the 40 years that I've been performing, but, little did I know, that I had just signed my ticket to the big time. This was because that in February I got my first repeat booking at the same venue - more on that later.

Anyway, in January I was booked to perform at a Rotary Club Variety Night. This was a very special and prestigious 'for one night only' event, and I topped the bill. I won't go in to the details here as that would be in bad taste and not really relevant to this short review, suffice to say that I was on top form that night, although I do apologise to the man who was wearing a toupee - I really didn't know and it was a genuine mistake. Oh, and to the lady with the wristwatch. It was a cheap Sekonda, so it wasn't too bad after all and, if you think about it, I probably did you a favour in the long run.

The repeat booking (spoken of earlier) meant that I had, at long last, turned professional and joined the ranks of the top flight entertainers. I can't tell you how elated I was when the phone call came inviting me for a return visit. My first repeat booking! This meant everything to my already blossoming career. The performance was to take place on Valentine's night no less. What a great night it was too; couples in love, fell in love with David Lemezmer (I mean my magic).

An Easter performance followed. Tricks with eggs always go down well... although the cost of dry cleaning, after the egg broke and went down my suit, was horrendous. Fortunately, this incident didn't dampen the spirits of those wanting to see more Lemezmer magic, although one or two critics were, shall we say, bad eggs.

During May, I was booked to perform at Mowsley Village Fête and Craft Fair. It was a disappointing turn out, but this can easily be blamed on bad management - even the car park had not been cleared of dangerous cobbles, causing me to stumble and pull a muscle in my leg. I doubt I'll be performing for them next year until some of my concerns are cleared up (along with the dangerous stones). However, they have yet to respond to my two page letter, detailing the changes that I would expect next time.

Next up though was a real opportunity for me to shine - the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebration.  I admit that I was caught a little off guard as I was invited to stay over and perform a trick the following day for them, something that I hadn't planned for. However, I cunningly cut the finale from my act and performed it the next day for them. I don't think they noticed. Also, I really should take this opportunity to apologise to those in attendance, especially to parents with children, about the unfortunate incident with my underpants. Once again, it was a genuine mistake.

Despite the underpants hiccup, it was a truly great performance and in September I was invited to perform at a special variety show. This went really well, although I admit to being slightly embarrassed when I accidentally knocked over my finale, The Vase of Plenty, but I suppose it was a colourful display! I also remember that the compère for the evening, despite giving me a excellent (and worthy, I might add) introduction, was rather rude at the end. I still haven't been paid for this event.

Anyway, that brings me on to the present and the name of David Lemezmer continues to grow stronger every day. I have been booked for a wedding! My very first booking of this type. I know many professional magicians take on wedding bookings because they are very lucrative, but I have never been approached until just a couple of weeks ago. So, next Saturday, at 2pm prompt, just like last Valentine's night, I will be performing my magic for a couple in love (and their guests, who may or may not be in love, I don't know). I'm really looking forward to this particular chapter in my career. Perhaps this is the start of something big. I will be grabbing this amazing opportunity with two big hands - not that my hands are particularly big, but you get the metaphor. I am also quite sure that, as the wedding is on December 22nd, I can chalk this one up to not only being a wedding performance, but also as my second successive year being booked up for Christmas. I'll think that it would be prudent to add this wedding gig as two separate events to my burgeoning résumé.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks for being a very small part of my year and may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a very happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year, and I'm sure that you wish the same to me too.

Back with a BANG!

Last night was my first booking since Her Majesty's Diamond Jubilee celebrations back in June, and it went with a bang! Quite literally in fact, as I went and accidentally knocked over my showpiece trick, 'Vase of Plenty'! The bang was the sound it made as it hit the table and I must confess that the colourful cascade of beads, balls and handkerchiefs was a little embarrassing. I had been practising this effect for well over a month (on and off), which, as some know, is quite unlike me, but I really wanted this to be a real highlight of my show and have people of all ages talking the world over about the magic of David Lemezmer. Sadly, I have seen one or two postings on Twitter this morning mentioning this unfortunate incident and thirty-seven retwits of these postings already. Taking consolation from this, I suppose it means that the world is talking about the magic of David Lemezmer, and that can only be a good thing. Anyway, that unfortunate incident aside, I believe that the show went rather well, although I doubt the gentleman with the newspaper will thank me - another story, another time.

I quite liked the compere, at the beginning anyway, as he gave me a fantastic introduction, quite fitting for a magician of my calibre (although, let me point out that I have never been involved with the X-Factor). Unfortunately, I am sure he got a cheap, below the belt, laugh at my expense at the end, just as I was leaving - completely unprofessional. I was going to stick around and watch the other acts on the card, but after his cruel jibe, I decided to just leave the venue after that - hopefully they'll send me my cheque in the post.

One of the surprise decisions of the organisers was the fact that I wasn't top-of-the-bill. Being the headline act was something I had assumed would naturally be the case, judging by the wording of an e-mail communication of the booking confirmation that I had received. I can only think that an error with their computer software was to blame. The first I knew of it was a programme being thrust into my hand as I arrived, which I glanced at as I was being hastily led to a sparse, but unusually warm, dressing room. I tried to bring the error to the attention of the organising committee, but alas, there was no time to change the arrangement.

Anyway, once again, a very successful performance that, despite a couple of glitches, can only reinforce the David Lemezmer name as being synonymous with top-class entertainment.

Bronzed off that I didn't take a golden opportunity - and this cloud didn't come with a silver lining either

I was approached a few weeks before the Olympics by a person claiming to personally know contacts that would help me secure a lucrative position at the Opening Ceremony at the London 2012 Games. I didn't follow this up as, not only was I quite busy (I'd hired a Rug-Doctor to clean my carpets that same week), but the offer sounded too good to be true. It was also at the back of my mind that this might be a repeat of the April Fools Day pranks that I had been subjected to earlier in the year, only on a much grander scale (and not in April, obviously).

I am now in a position to say that there was indeed an Olympic job offer on the table, just waiting to be picked up by a talented magician, such as myself, and it looks as if I've missed out once again. It also turns out that the job was something a little more long term, spanning the whole two weeks of the Olympic Games, and not just one paltry night!

I actually found out completely by accident though. Let me explain, I took a trip to London during the Olympics, just to soak up the atmosphere. I couldn't afford to procure tickets to any of the events - although Synchronised Swimming was on offer at a good price, but I'm not watching that! However, I did get to view some events on large television screens that had been set up in Hyde Park - there was quite a crowd. One of the things that I was keen on doing was seeing the stadium for myself and so I took a trip to view it. I thought that the most convenient way to reach the stadium was to take a train journey. I boarded a train on what they now call the Overground (?). Well, I've heard of the Underground, but the Overground just seems like old rehashed British Rail lines with a fancy name attached (and a similar looking logo - a cheap imitation, you could say). I digress. On this train I saw a magician performing for travelling passengers. I was able to have a brief chat to him. His name was Danny Hall and he told me that he got the joint London 2012 and Transport for London job to entertain passengers using the public transport system during the games. It was thought that it was a good way to alleviate the stress usually associated with travelling. He also told me privately that the pay was very, very good - a great deal more than his usual earnings (Danny told me the actual figures, which I won't disclose in public, suffice to say that I was floored; the guy's earning an amazing sum - more that I have earned for the last seven of my gigs put together - and that's per day!). Anyway, he said he was introduced to the job by a guy named Rob Martin, who had some contacts with the Olympic committee. Apparently, Rob had a person lined up for the job, but had been let down; it was at this point the penny dropped...

Mediocre 'magician', Danny Hall, 'entertains' (?) passengers on a train, during the London 2012 Olympic Games

I watched his act with interest, which I have to say was not too bad, but I couldn't help thinking that had it been me performing, the passengers would probably have not got off at Stratford station to go to the Games (like they did with Danny), instead preferring to stay and see more of the Lemezmer magic!

A Happy, Quality Birthday to me.

Just a short blog post this morning as today is my birthday and I am due out for a meal at lunchtime. I'm not one for boasting, but I am now in my 60th year! Happy birthday to me! Sixty years old, with forty of those years spent performing QUALITY professional magic! Who would have believed that? I looked up the word 'quality' in my thesaurus and it gave several synonyms for it, all of which could apply to my magic - here are just some: advantage; betterment; enhancement; enrichment; excellence; extravagance; genius; luxury; merit; peculiarity; virtue. That's enough for now, there were plenty more that I could run off, but you get the general idea. I particularly like the 'genius' one, which I think sums my magical abilities up rather well.

My kitchen is almost finished, just in time for my special celebration (I know what the Queen felt like recently when celebrating her Diamond Jubilee). Just need Paul to finish a bit of tiling, and to obtain and fit another drawer handle to one of the cupboards.

My wife kindly bought me a book from a charity shop that she thought would suit me. The book is called 'Card Tricks without Skill' by a chap called Paul Clive. Not quite sure what he was thinking with the title though, as I have already tried out thirteen of the tricks and found eleven of those just far too difficult to perform.

That's all for now. I've got to go and prepare for my family meal.

Clean carpets, a new kitchen and golden opportunities

It's been a little while since my last blog post. That's because I have been very busy of late, so I thought it would be nice to bring you up to speed with what's been going on in my hectic life.


The last Saturday in May, just before the Diamond Jubilee celebrations were about to take place, I was booked to perform at the Mowsley Village Fête and Craft Fair. Disappointingly, I only had seven people turn up for the show (and two of those were setting chairs out). I can't blame it on the weather, as it was glorious, so I can only assume that because of poor management, the word did not get out, although I was assured that adverts were placed in several local newspapers and fliers were sent out to neighbouring towns and villages. I must confess that it did seem to be very well supported, so I'm not quite sure why I had such a small crowd. Perhaps the location at the event was poor, or perhaps my show clashed with the gymkhana?

I was appalled that the car park wasn't cleared of large rocks, as I stumbled and strained my leg while walking to the car, causing me to drop a box of props on the ground, but fortunately none were broken. I have written to the management stressing my concerns and, to get this problem sorted out a little more quickly than a usual common complaint, I mentioned that I would not perform at any future events of theirs until I am satisfied that the car park has been cleared of dangerous debris. I have yet to hear back from them.

I also performed the following Saturday evening at a very special Diamond Jubilee celebration event, which was held at Fenlands Church. Apparently I was specially requested (I've yet to find out who made the request but, whoever you are, thank you). The 3 trick show (originally planned to be a 4 trick show) went well and without a hitch... well, almost without a hitch, but that's another story! Suffice to say, that my opening card trick was spoilt a little by my card prediction going a little awry, followed by an embarrassing mishap with a 40 foot length of rope (and my underwear), and my final showpiece flag trick (which was meant to be the central highlight and focus of the evening) had incorrect colours showing on the flag on the first attempt - and the second attempt for that matter!

As well as this special celebration, I was asked to stay over and perform once more at Fenlands Church at their family service, which of course I was happy to do - I had nothing else in my diary. I actually must confess that this extra booking caught me a little off guard and therefore unprepared, but I cunningly cut one of the tricks from the Saturday evening performance and used that on Sunday morning instead. I don't think they noticed!

I have also been approached by a very influential man who has kindly offered to be my manager. This really is something that I am thinking about, as I believe that Paul Daniels has a manager and if it's good enough for Paul, it's good enough for me too. He has already offered me a 10 minute slot at the opening of the 2012 London Olympic Games, so this man has some clout, although I've never heard of him. The Olympic Games opening ceremony is is a golden opportunity for some much deserved exposure, so I am seriously considering this man's offer.

I have recently been having a new kitchen fitted in my kitchen by my son, Paul. It was a little treat I gave myself (and my wife) for my birthday, which is fast approaching (25 June). I also hired a Rug-Doctor to spruce up my living room carpet. It's amazing! I couldn't believe how much dirt and grime it got up - and we are already accustomed to using Vanish PowerPowder on our carpets! I can wholeheartedly recommend Rug-Doctor to anyone and everyone (except my brother - he has wooden floors throughout his house so that wouldn't work). If any employees from Rug-Doctor are reading this blog, I'm really impressed. I'd be happy to become the face of Rug-Doctor, for the usual contractual fees. Imagine attaching my face to a Rug-Doctor advertising campaign, perhaps with the slogan, "I use Rug-Doctor and, just like me, it works like magic and performs wonders!" Just an idea for your consideration.


Anyway, that's all for now.

Diamond Jubilee Preparations

Three weeks ago, while I was out walking in Charnwood Forest, I had an absolutely BRILLIANT idea for a trick that would go down well for the Diamond Jubilee. As soon as I arrived home, I quickly wrote and then mailed off a letter to Buckingham Palace to ask for their help. I've wrote to them before, so at least they already know that my name is synonymous with quality magic.

This morning, I had a return letter from them denying my request, which, I admit, is a little disheartening, but I do understand the reasons given. However, every cloud has a silver lining, as they let slip a rather intriguing fact that confirmed a secret that I had been told by a friend, many years ago - they didn't really mention anything specifically, but I know that their silence speaks volumes.

So, I have decided to run with the idea, even though Her Majesty has not approved of my request (well, I say Her Majesty, but the letter was signed by an unknown member of the Royal household; I'm not even completely sure that she even read the letter, otherwise it probably would've been a different story). This untold secret will form the basis for my brilliant idea and I will reveal all at some point over the Diamond Jubilee weekend. Hopefully this week, I'll be able to get into my workshop, or garden shed as my wife calls it, and make a very special prop. That's if the weather holds off - the roof leaks!